Top 10 The Walking Dead Complaints #3

Don’t dare show a nipple!:

So this complaint doesn’t really have as much to do with The Walking Dead as it has to do with our completely screwed up views as a society, this show just happens to be a great example of this. One of the elements that makes The Walking Dead so good is what also brings to light how messed up things are, it’s incredible special effects. You would be hard pressed to find a movie that has better zombies in it, in fact I bet you couldn’t. The show is especially good at coming up with imaginative crazy ways for the walkers to get killed. From up close and personal head shots, getting squished under objects, getting ripped apart or just plan old getting their heads smashed in by the heel of a boot. There is no end to the intensely detailed ways they come up with to end walkers. I’m sure there is a team of people that sit around all day and just think of messed up ways to kill them. It definitely adds to the show and like it or not creates a realism to what the post apocalypse could be like.

An argument could be made that the special effects used when killing walkers has a longer leash when it comes to what can and can’t be shown. They are (so far as we know, wink, wink) a fictional, already deceased monster, so killing them off even though they use to be humans is easier to accept. I get this part, but it’s not just limited to walkers in the show. They also have no issues with showing humans getting the short end of the stick. From being torn apart, shot, guts ripped out, faces ripped off, body parts being snacked on by a horde of walkers, there doesn’t seem to be much that is taboo when showing a human death either. Hey it’s the zombie apocalypse after all, this stuff is going to happen and I see nothing wrong with it.

Now the fucked up part of all this is that our rating system, and in turn society, is fine with showing all of this on regular tv, but never, under any circumstances, no matter what happens, should they ever show a nipple!! My god if a boob popped out or someone's junk flashed up on the screen the world may end. Kill the feed immediately and cancel the show! 

It’s perfectly acceptable to have a scene showing one of the main characters getting torn apart by zombies, or hell having the main characters kill a child, but no matter what no nudity!! Now, so there isn’t any misunderstanding I’m not complaining about the blood and guts in The Walking Dead, or any other tv show for that matter, I really don’t care what they choose to show as long as they are upfront about it. I’m hoping that as a mentally stable adult you should have no problem discerning reality from fantasy and right from wrong. If a tv show sets you off on a murdering rampage I would say that there were much deeper issues present well before a tv was ever turned on. What I am confused about is how we can, in HD detail, show someones head getting mashed in and thats fine, but if you were to see someone nude that is completely unacceptable. I just can’t wrap my head around the thought process behind that. Shit needs to be seriously reevaluated if the general agreement is that showing a nipple is worse than showing brutal murder? It makes me sad for the human race and it scares the hell out of me much more than any zombie ever could.

The Best Zombie Weapons

As I work my way through an almost infinite list of Zombie Weapons I will of course rank them in the top 10 list. As I go I will throw up a poll (you can find it in the right hand column) to see if you guys agree with my assessment of the weapons. Vote now and let me know.

Top 10 The Walking Dead Complaints #4

#4) Zombie Ninjas:
I have come to a conclusion that there are 2 sets of walkers in the show. The regular ones, and the ninjas. Let me explain. Picture this scene, a single or group of walkers strolling down the street moaning, groaning, knocking things over, generally doing what walkers do. Now lets say these “regular walkers” notice a human or something catches their attention, suddenly the noise they make and their movements drastically increase, more moaning, more groaning, more knocking things over etc. Basically anyone who is paying attention would notice them coming, unless… they are sneaking up on one of the main characters in a house, building, or somewhere generally spooky. Then those bastards are pure stealth! They can sneak up on anyone, they become god damn ninja walkers.

Time after time they somehow manage to sneak up on a character who has survived up to this point by generally being pretty good at avoiding these situation. They traverse houses at night, dense forests, packed warehouses all without making a single sound.

Walkers on the show tend to have little regard for their current surroundings. They are more likely to walk through something then they are to go around it, so much so that they have shown walkers impaling themselves on spears or tearing body parts off trying to get to their prey. In a word they are noisy as hell. But time after time you see surprise attacks on people from a walker that managed to tippy toe it’s way through a bunch of obstacles and catch them unaware. So my conclusion to this. Ninja walkers, it only makes sense!

All my bags are packed.

It’s the middle of the work week. You’re chilling at home watching a tv show, eating food that probably isn’t the healthiest. Or perhaps you’re at home, nose buried in the computer, logging overtime when really you’re just watching cat videos. Regardless of what you’re doing, one way or another you hear those words. “Zombie Apocalypse”. At first I’m sure you’re first instinct will be to do what millions of other people are doing and just laugh it off as a joke, a hoax. This is where the first line of separation will be created. This will be where your next few decisions will determine how the rest of your life (as long or as short as it may be) will go.

Your first few decisions can determine not only if you survive, but for how long. There will be the masses, that no matter what refuse to admit that something has gone terribly wrong, even when a zombie is chewing on their leg. Then there will be the few that admit maybe there is a problem but either refuse, or can’t act on it. Then, there will be the very small percentage. The people who realize, accept and act on the news immediately. These will be the people that are still standing when the dust settles.

Your reaction to a situation will depend strongly on the variables that surround you. The problem is the list of variables is almost infinite. So that being said it will be impossible for me to come up with a universal formula, a what to do when the zombie apocalypse happens, that would work for everyone. Instead I will focus in on certain situations like the above.

So let’s continue. Shit has hit the fan and you’re everyday routine is about to take a drastic left turn. One of the very first decisions you need to make is going to be the hardest. Do you bunker down in your current location. Or do you get the hell out of Dodge. Now like I mentioned there are a lot of things here that would dictate your decision. Your location, the type of house you are in, the resources available, how dangerous it is in that area, on and on. For the sake of argument we are going to say screw it. Your house is made of all glass and the only resources you have are a 2 day old container of chinese food in the fridge and a can of beer. It’s time to get the hell out.

So the decision to move on has been made and you are scrambling around your house throwing items randomly into a bag… we have arrived at the crux of this post. What the heck do you take with you! Well that’s where a bug-out bag comes into play. According to google a bug-out bag is “a portable kit that normally contains the items one would require to survive for seventy-two hours, when evacuating from a disaster, however some kits are designed to last longer periods of time than just 72 hours.” In all seriousness it wouldn’t be a bad idea for everyone to have one of these in their house, zombie enthusiast or no. So I’m going to lay out what I think are the top 10 items (in no specific order) you should have in your “Zombie Bug-out Bag”

#10 - A good survival knife
If you’ve ever camped anywhere further than your backyard then you should know the merit of having a decent survival knife at your disposal. Throw in the added benefit of it being a decent enough zombie self defense weapon and it’s pretty much a must have.

#9 -  Flint
In a pinch matches or a lighter would do, but the problem with those are they run out. A lighter isn’t very handy if you have no fuel and unless you're hauling along an costco size box of matches you’re going to run out sooner than you think. I would also suggest at minimum you watch a video on how to start a fire using flint.

#8 - Water
You need to dance a fine line between enough water and not having to strap a 10 gallon tank to your back. 1 litre per day is the bare minimum needed for the average human, so I would highly suggest you have enough for at least 3 days.

#7 - Flashlight
Preferably the ones with a built in crank generator, but if you need to go with a battery powered flashlight so be it. However when you're out of batteries your flashlight suddenly becomes less than useless. And personally I think not having a lightsource at night during a zombie apocalypse would well, suck… a lot.

#6 - Food
It’s more than possible to survive 3 days without food, but I wouldn’t want to do it. Even a few protein bars would be enough to get you through. You'd be surprised how much having something to eat at the right time can lift your spirits.

#5 - Clothes
The zombie apocalypse would suck. It would suck even more having to run around naked. One decent change of clothes would be preferable. So let’s say at minimum:

• A good pair of shoes, and when I say good, I mean sturdy hiking or running shoes, not those pair of Uggs that you got on sale
• A pair of long pants
• A decent long sleeve shirt
• A waterproof jacket 
• A good pair of wool socks.
• A nice fashion statement like a hat or a bandana wouldn’t hurt either.

#4 - First Aid Kit
This one is tough. Most likely I will write another article on what you should put in your first aid kit, but that will happen at a later time. For now lets just say that I wouldn’t suggest using the store bought ones. They are pretty useless and tend to be filled with crap you don’t need. Instead I would suggest that you put one together yourself. That way you know exactly what is in it and it won't be full of things that break the first time you try and use them.

#3 - Pot or cooking container
This may not seem like it should be an essential item but having something you can cook in and more importantly boil water in will be much more important than you think. Unless you want to be able to shit through the eye of a needle, having a way to sterilize water is a good thing.

#2 - Shelter
You’re gonna want a warm dry place to sleep. Not getting enough sleep leaves you weaker and more prone to making bad decisions. I would suggest at least a decent tarp. Having a sleeping bag or blanket as well would be even better.

#1 - Weapon
Chances are whatever the reason is you need to grab your bug-out bag it’s not good, and having something for self defence and protection is a must. The best packed bag won't make much difference if some stranger with a gun takes it from you, or you end up as a zombie snack. Obviously there's a pretty varied list for which weapon you would want. Check out the weapons section for my always growing list of zombie weapons to help with that choice.

So that’s it. If there’s anything major you can think I left off the list let me know. Take this as a suggested starting point, but obviously it needs to be tweaked per person and per situation. However if you had to leave in a hurry, and all you were able to grab was this bug-out bag, you would be in a much better position than the moron who ran out of his house still wearing his housecoat and slippers and carrying a bag stuffed with a can of pop, 2 bags of Doritos, a pair of old jogging pants and his xbox.

Top 10 The Walking Dead Complaints #5

Ammo caches everywhere!
Apparently the walking dead tv show is very similar to a video game. For some unexplained reason there must me randomly stashed cases of bullets scattered throughout the state of Georgia. All someone has to do is walk past it, a strange noise sounds out of no where, and suddenly their weapon clip is full again, ta daa!

Ok in all seriousness how do they manage to find all the ammunition? In the shows defence the characters usually try and reserve their firearms for last case scenario, but when they do there is never much of a problem with bullets. they may run out in that scene, or even that episode, but the next time they need to shoot something, the clip is magically full again. They seem to be traveling fairly light so it’s not like they have a pack full of ammunition they have managed to scavenge so that’s not the answer. I imagine it wouldn’t take long, even for a gun happy country like America, for bullets to become a pretty rare commodity. Once again I guess the allure of special effects zombie brains scattering everywhere from a headshot trumps common sense.

Another major issue is this. Obviously all bullets don't work in all wepons. You may find a pile 6 feet tall of 9mm bullets, but if you don’t have a weapon that shoots 9mm then those bullets are useless to you. Let’s take for e.g. the main character Rick Grimes. He happens to carry with him a Colt Python .357 Magnum which can fire both .357 and .38 special ammo. Now a quick google lets me know that the top 3 most popular ammo types in America are .22, 12 gauge and 9mm. So that being said the average home or building will most likely not have .357 ammunition kicking around. Once again a quick visit to google lets me know that Rick has 80+ kills and counting with his .357. Your guess is as good as mine where he keeps all that ammo.

Top 10 The Walking Dead Complaints #6

Super Squishy Walker Skulls:
Bone is a pretty hard durable substance, and it takes a decent amount of force to penetrate a skull. It’s kinda designed to protect our brain and it does a decent job. However according to the show it’s pretty damn easy. A quick stab and off they go to the next one. Ok I can hear some people already. “They are zombies, they are rotting.” I get that, but if their skull is so rotten to the point that stabbing them with a knife is like poking rotten fruit, then wouldn’t that mean that all their other bones are just as bad? So broken legs, arms, parts falling off. They would pretty much be a puddle of rot. which means only one thing. Walkers must have super squishy walker skulls.

Mother Dick

For those of you who watched The Walking Dead this Sunday it definitely wasn’t one of the stronger episodes. It was however a really good example of some of my Top 10 The Walking Dead Complaints. Namely “We leave no one behind” and “Meh I’ll do it later”. One of the strongest things I found about this tv show was the characters did what I would do. Meaning that in certain situations the writers made sure that characters acted like normal people and not like characters in horror movies. However every now and then the writers seem to fall prey to that horror movie genre, and in order to create drama they create things that most people with any common sense just wouldn’t do, or create situations that just sort of make you scratch your head.
A quick example. When they entered the warehouse looking for parts for the power grid, they came across a pack of walkers stuck behind a chain link face. First off I have no clue why 20 people would be locked in fence inside a warehouse in the first place. But when they found them all they just left them there. a great example of We leave no one behind. Take a few minutes to take out the zombies easily and safely behind the fence, then you can search the warehouse with ease and comfort. And don’t even get me started on the super grenade.
Another thing that really bothered me was the shooting of the hydraulic line in order to have a character fall into a bad situation. It was just a cheesy way to create suspense (which seemed to be the theme this episode) and I found myself laughing at the entire scene. I’m really interested as to where that guy was even aiming because he was a good 15 feet too far to the left and unless there was a walker that was 20’ tall he may have been aiming a little high as well.
All in all it wasn’t my favorite episode and there was just too many scenes that were unbelievable, frustrating, or just made me shake my head. People who have been surviving for years suddenly became chowder heads, and it just seemed gimmicky and unbelievable. There was one epic part of the episode however… “Mother Dick”

Top 10 The Walking Dead Complaints #7

Oh look a pretty picture!:
It’s pretty much standard practice when entering a building full of hostiles that you clear the building before worrying about anything else. I mean you’re life is on the line, so you think this would be a job you wouldn’t want to take short cuts on. However time after time we see people entering a house cautiously expecting the worse. Then suddenly something bright and shiny distracts them and they completely lose the game plan. I don’t care how pretty something is, check all the rooms, clear the building, make sure it’s safe. Then you have all the time you want to oogle that family picture. And when I say clear the building I mean clear the building. Not glancing into a few rooms and forgetting the basement, where obviously there will be a pack of walkers. Nothing like being surprised by a walker that was just around the corner because you got distracted by a pretty picture.

Top 10 The Walking Dead Complaints #8

Meh I’ll do it later:
Once again I’m sticking with the ounce of prevention theme. I suppose in a way these last 3 complaints could be bundled together into a take care of shit before it becomes a problem package. This one seems to show up over and over again and it makes no sense. A single walker is relatively easy to take out, a few walkers is usually still not a problem. Walkers in large numbers is when it becomes dangerous. So my question is, why would you wait for that to happen? This seems to show up over and over again throughout the show. When a single walker starts ambling around they ignore it, until that 1 single walker becomes many and suddenly all hell breaks loose. It’s going to cost a lot more taking out a horde of walkers than doing it one at a time. However I guess a tv show of people walking around  braining single zombies all day wouldn’t be the most entertaining.

Kitchen Knife

When shit hits the fan and you need to get the hell out as fast as possible you won’t have a ton of time to pick through what you are taking with you. That will hold true for whatever you grab as a weapon as well. Chances are good it’s going to be something that is readily accessible in your house. There will be those few that have some decent zombie stoppers lying around but by and large most peoples houses aren’t properly stocked for the end of the world. This leads me to the weapon review. The ever reliable Kitchen Knife

Durability: High
I’m just going to assume that most people will have at least one decent kitchen knife kicking around their house. If you’re grabbing the plastic handled knife, with the tip you snapped off trying to open a can of zoodles for zombie defence, then really, you were screwed from the beginning. That and you’re a horrible cook. A good kitchen knife is made to last and it’s designed to take things apart. So besides the blade getting dull, which is easy enough to remedy, it should last as long as you will need it.

Availability: High
As I mentioned above. I’m sure there are a few people who are really good at opening a box and putting it in the microwave that wouldn’t need a decent knife in their kitchen. But I’d say more or less you are going to be able to find something serviceable in the average home.

Agility: Very High
You’re going to be hard pressed to find something lighter that can cause the same amount of damage. With your trusty kitchen knife you can easily work your way through a pound of potatoes or a few bothersome zombies in no time without getting tired.

Cost/Consumables: Low - Medium
As far as energy expenditure you are in the clear. It’s a nice light weapon that you should be able to use for large periods of time. What you do give up though is safety. Using a knife is about as up close and personal as you can get. In order for it to be a lethal weapon, you need to get within arm's and biting reach of any zombie. I suppose you could try throwing it, but unlike the movies unless the knife is weighted for throwing and you know what you’re doing, chances are you’re just going to bean the thing in the head with the handle. And that’s saying that you even can hit it. Most likely you miss and find yourself without a weapon at all.

Lethality: Low - Medium
Once you're willing to accept the fact that you have to get uncomfortably close with something that is trying to eat your face, this weapon when used properly can be fairly lethal. However unlike humans, cutting, slicing, stabbing, chopping at zombies really doesn’t slow them down much. It’s the head or nothing. And trying to plunge a kitchen knife into a moving skull is not the easiest maneuver to pull off. There is a lot of things that could go wrong and any one of them could make you zombie food.

Adaptability: Medium
I suppose you could tie the knife to a stick or pole to get more range, but beyond that there isn’t a heck of a lot that you can do to a kitchen knife that would make it more dangerous. The reason this weapon gets a medium in this category, is less about modifying it as a weapon, as it is about being able to use it for more than scalping zombies. When trying to survive having a knife can make a big difference. I know it’s not your traditional survival knife, but it would still be serviceable in most areas needed. You could use it to add a nice point onto your hunting spear one minute, then chop up that squirrel for a delicious stew the next, Just make sure you clean off the zombie goo first.

Miscellaneous: low
Unless you’re a clown or Gordon Ramsey it’s hard to look badass with a Henckel in your hand, so I suppose it loses points for that. There really isn't much more to this weapon then what’s already been mentioned.

Final Verdict: Low - Medium
It’s definitely a good start. A knife is a really important survival tool but I imagine a kitchen knife wouldn't become the weapon of choice for zombie hunters anytime soon. It does however fit the bill for a bit. And until another weapon can be found that is a bit better at thinning the zombie population it wouldn’t be a bad idea (unless you have a true survival knife)  to keep this one around as backup.

Zombie Survival

When chatting with people it’s surprising how often Zombie Apocalypse survival actually comes up. The best part about this is how many people at least have a basic plan already started. The ones that don’t, quickly start coming up with one on the spot. I’m really not sure what the attraction to it is, perhaps it’s a primitive need to show we can survive without the comforts and benefits that we have become reliant on in today’s society. Whatever the reasoning everyone has their opinion on it.

Now one of the things I find most interesting is how varied most of these plans are from person to person. Even the most survival handicapped person has a few ideas that have merit. And more often than not I get talking to someone and something comes up that causes me to rethink a few things on my own personal plan.

So anyways I’m going to lay my own plan and thoughts out on the table (well maybe not everything, I need a few secrets to keep the upper hand). Obviously the scenarios can change drastically so I'll touch on a bunch of different potential situations and give you my thoughts on what I would do or what could possibly be done. I’m sure as I write I’ll come up with new ideas about a situation and rework those as well. Basically these will be my thoughts and a guide of sorts for “Zombie Survival 101”

Feel free to comment about any posts and lay out your own thoughts and ideas. Hopefully as we move along we can come up with a pretty solid guideline.

Twitter

Follow the new Patient 0 twitter account to keep up to date on any new posts and zombie news. Be the first to know when there is an eminent zombie apocalypse!

Follow @Patient_0_blog

Top 10 The Walking Dead Complaints #9

Looks dead to me:
So this one is pretty similar to “We leave no one behind” in regards to it’s importance in investing a few seconds to take care of something before it becomes a problem. The main character approaches a walker who “looks dead” and is either slumped against a wall, lying in the road, or is more or less just laying out in the open. Everything seems fine until the character goes to step over (this one is a favorite and seems to be used a lot) or walks past the walker who then suddenly springs into action. Now the character is in a battle for their life from this suddenly animated walker who seconds ago was lying motionless in a heap of mouldy clothes and flesh. I would hazard to guess that it wouldn’t take very long for current survivors to learn that unless the walker is obviously dead, which pretty much means missing a head, then it’s a potential threat. It’s already lying there on the ground, take a few seconds to make sure it’s dead before you step over it or walk around it. It’s a simple as carrying a long spear which allows you to safely stab the walker in the head and then proceed on your way. The double tap people, the double tap, always make sure.